*** Trigger Warning ***

Before you start reading- this post contains sexual abuse, ritual abuse and physical abuse.

 

Hi. My name is Michelle.

I am a 39 year old woman who has been abuse free for just 10 years of my life. My ritual abuse started at around the age of 4. I remember my mother had gone into hospital to give birth to my brother. I was 3 years and 10 months to be exact. I was hiding behind my brothers cot and so I already had something to be fearful of. I was right to be fearful because my dad found me and that day was my first memorable rape. Still I have to ask myself why I was already scared. My brother came home but there was no celebrations. My first memory of him was him being slapped by my mum. As the years went by I continued to be raped and sexually abused by my mother, father and their so called friends in a ritual setting. My brother was also abused. I can not count how many abusers there was or how many times I was hurt. In my teens I had a baby that was conceived through abuse and died through abuse. Now as a adult I look back and think my only opportunity to be a mum was took away when I was just 15. Realistically I know I won’t have children now and this is a great void in my life. I managed to leave home at 18 fleeing into a homeless hostel. This then lead me to being housed by my local council. Freedom at last or so I thought. My abusers found me time and time again. I tried to prosecute them but I was told I wasn’t a strong enough witness due to my mental health. My mental health issues are a direct result of my abuse. So I moved again and again but was always traced and when I was traced I was again abused. I finally decided at 29 to move around 300 miles away from my abusers. I changed my name, my national insurance number and eventually my NHS number. I am on the anonymous voters register to protect my identity and location. I am yet to be traced and so I have had 10 years abuse free. Just a 1/4 of my current life free from abuse. These abusers should of been the very people who protected me. Instead they abused me in every way and the impact is long standing.

As a result of my abuse I am now diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, insomnia and depression. Physically I am completely deaf in my right ear due to my abuse. I have required surgery on my back and I now have spinal stenosis. I suffer with chronic migraines due to the stress of managing my mental health. I have been involved with the CMHT since I was 18. I was discharged in 2017 20 years after being took on. I have never been offered the therapy I was deemed in need of. This was long term psychodynamic psychotherapy on a twice a week bases. This was to help me heal from over 25 years of ritual abuse and help me manage my dissociation. What I was offered was short term cognitive analytical therapy that basically ripped plasters off and left me in a mess. At the same time as my therapy ended I lost my care manager and had my social support cut. Laughably I was deemed as stable. I was at breaking point and a person who has known me for 10 years said she had never see things so chaotic. Still I don’t take nothing lying down. I raised complaint after complaint and eventually said I was going to seek legal advice. I was told not to make threats. I’ll tell you something for nothing, I don’t make threats it was a promise. I have a solicitor who is trying to get me the help and support I need but more importantly what I and other survivors deserve. I will not give up or give in until I have exhausted every avenue. I wasn’t born to be a quitter and I’m glad that drives people mad.

Going forward. Well I hit 40 this year so a milestone for me. I made it. After all my overdoses etc I shouldn’t still be here but I am. To mark the occasions I’m setting myself another challenge. I have always gained satisfaction by raising money for charities that support survivors. I have raised over £10k over the years for various charities incl Devon rape crises, Survivors U.K., Mind and SEEDs. In June I will be climbing Snowdon a day after my 40th and raising money for Devon rape crises. This is part of a bigger walking challenge where I want to walk 400 miles. 100 miles for each decade. I’ll be walking the cerigedion coast path, a chunk of the Pembrokeshire coast path and more of the southwest coast path. And I know I will do it. If anyone wants to sponsor me the link is here Virgin Money Giving 

On a more serious note my solicitor is requiring me to have a health assessment by a specialist in DID. I will then have a report regarding suggestions for treatment. My solicitor will ask my local primary care trust to follow the specialists advice. If they refuse then there will be a judicial review through the courts. The problem is legal aid doesn’t cover the costs and I don’t have £1800. That’s how much Remy at the Pottergate Clinic charges as he’s an expert. This really is my last chance to get the therapy I need to rebuild my life. I have therefore resorted to setting up a go fund me page with the hope kind individuals will help me meet the costs. If anyone is feeling generous then please donate here Go Fund Me of course receipts will be provided if requested.
Thank you for reading a bit about my life.
 
Michelle

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