*** Trigger Warning ***

Before you start reading- this post contains sexual abuse, ritual abuse and physical abuse.

 

Hi. My name is Michelle.

I am a 39 year old woman who has been abuse free for just 10 years of my life. My ritual abuse started at around the age of 4. I remember my mother had gone into hospital to give birth to my brother. I was 3 years and 10 months to be exact. I was hiding behind my brothers cot and so I already had something to be fearful of. I was right to be fearful because my dad found me and that day was my first memorable rape. Still I have to ask myself why I was already scared. My brother came home but there was no celebrations. My first memory of him was him being slapped by my mum. As the years went by I continued to be raped and sexually abused by my mother, father and their so called friends in a ritual setting. My brother was also abused. I can not count how many abusers there was or how many times I was hurt. In my teens I had a baby that was conceived through abuse and died through abuse. Now as a adult I look back and think my only opportunity to be a mum was took away when I was just 15. Realistically I know I won’t have children now and this is a great void in my life. I managed to leave home at 18 fleeing into a homeless hostel. This then lead me to being housed by my local council. Freedom at last or so I thought. My abusers found me time and time again. I tried to prosecute them but I was told I wasn’t a strong enough witness due to my mental health. My mental health issues are a direct result of my abuse. So I moved again and again but was always traced and when I was traced I was again abused. I finally decided at 29 to move around 300 miles away from my abusers. I changed my name, my national insurance number and eventually my NHS number. I am on the anonymous voters register to protect my identity and location. I am yet to be traced and so I have had 10 years abuse free. Just a 1/4 of my current life free from abuse. These abusers should of been the very people who protected me. Instead they abused me in every way and the impact is long standing.

As a result of my abuse I am now diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, insomnia and depression. Physically I am completely deaf in my right ear due to my abuse. I have required surgery on my back and I now have spinal stenosis. I suffer with chronic migraines due to the stress of managing my mental health. I have been involved with the CMHT since I was 18. I was discharged in 2017 20 years after being took on. I have never been offered the therapy I was deemed in need of. This was long term psychodynamic psychotherapy on a twice a week bases. This was to help me heal from over 25 years of ritual abuse and help me manage my dissociation. What I was offered was short term cognitive analytical therapy that basically ripped plasters off and left me in a mess. At the same time as my therapy ended I lost my care manager and had my social support cut. Laughably I was deemed as stable. I was at breaking point and a person who has known me for 10 years said she had never see things so chaotic. Still I don’t take nothing lying down. I raised complaint after complaint and eventually said I was going to seek legal advice. I was told not to make threats. I’ll tell you something for nothing, I don’t make threats it was a promise. I have a solicitor who is trying to get me the help and support I need but more importantly what I and other survivors deserve. I will not give up or give in until I have exhausted every avenue. I wasn’t born to be a quitter and I’m glad that drives people mad.

Going forward. Well I hit 40 this year so a milestone for me. I made it. After all my overdoses etc I shouldn’t still be here but I am. To mark the occasions I’m setting myself another challenge. I have always gained satisfaction by raising money for charities that support survivors. I have raised over £10k over the years for various charities incl Devon rape crises, Survivors U.K., Mind and SEEDs. In June I will be climbing Snowdon a day after my 40th and raising money for Devon rape crises. This is part of a bigger walking challenge where I want to walk 400 miles. 100 miles for each decade. I’ll be walking the cerigedion coast path, a chunk of the Pembrokeshire coast path and more of the southwest coast path. And I know I will do it. If anyone wants to sponsor me the link is here Virgin Money Giving 

On a more serious note my solicitor is requiring me to have a health assessment by a specialist in DID. I will then have a report regarding suggestions for treatment. My solicitor will ask my local primary care trust to follow the specialists advice. If they refuse then there will be a judicial review through the courts. The problem is legal aid doesn’t cover the costs and I don’t have £1800. That’s how much Remy at the Pottergate Clinic charges as he’s an expert. This really is my last chance to get the therapy I need to rebuild my life. I have therefore resorted to setting up a go fund me page with the hope kind individuals will help me meet the costs. If anyone is feeling generous then please donate here Go Fund Me of course receipts will be provided if requested.
Thank you for reading a bit about my life.
 
Michelle

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20 Comments

  1. Viola Bleu

    Wow … such a brave voice Michelle. So relieved you feel able to share your story and am thrilled you are still here loving life. A different life 🌸 … not only because your words can encourage others, but because you deserve to face each day free self abuse and the emotional turmoil it brings. x

    Reply
    • Michelle

      Thank you so much for your reply Viola. Life is not always easy after abuse but things do get better and life is worth living.

      Reply
  2. June

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t easy to open up after everything you went through..
    Is there any possibility to donate for the treatment using Paypal?

    Reply
    • Michelle

      Hi June. It’s only been in the last year I have felt able to be more open. I know I was terrified of having my photo on social media incase my abusers saw! Now I don’t care.

      Thank you so much for your offer of a donation. Go fund me don’t accept PayPal. If you trust me enough you can donate to my PayPal. I ensure you it will go to my assessment. My PayPal is m_robinson78@yahoo.com thank you for your kindness and generosity.

      Reply
      • June

        Hi. I made a Paypay donation from my personal email address to yours.
        It’s not much, but I hope it will help a little bit.
        All the best.
        June
        aka Petra

        Reply
        • Michelle

          Hiya. So many thanks for your donation. It is very much appreciated and will help me get the assessment. 💜

          Reply
        • Michelle

          I have added your donation to my page as a offline donation. Kept you Anon though x

          Reply
  3. Erica

    Wow, your story has just touched me very deeply. As I read it was like reading parts of my story in your words. I too am a survivor but of SRA and I also have DID. Unfortunately for me tho I have not been able to find refuge or freedom from their abuse…no matter where I go they ALWAYS find me and I have been on the verge of just handing myself over but then I came across this…and you have given me some hope back that there is still a chance for me…Thank you for your bravery in sharing. I know this must have difficult beyond comprehension…I wish I was in a better financial situation to help you reach your goals. I am struggling to even afford food and clothes and everyday things these days but someday when I can I give u my word I will help. Until then all I can offer is my gratitude because before reading this…I was ready to give up and hand myself over to them…thank you again. You are brave and strong!
    💜 Erica & Company

    Reply
    • Erica

      Can u take my last name off of my post plz…

      Reply
      • jenniferlauragilmour

        I have taken your last name away. I hope this helps and thank you for sharing as well. I know this is not easy. Jennifer

        Reply
    • Michelle

      Ahh Erica. I’m so sorry the group still have control over you. Mine was SRA as well so I know they won’t let you go easily. Still never ever give up trying. You deserve freedom and it can be done. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Where are you based? I’ll try my best to help you. If you can follow me on Facebook I’ll add you and PM you. I’m Michelle Et All Robinson on there. Never feel like your only option is to hand yourself over to the group. We can try and get you help together. Really don’t worry about my fundraising page. Your safety is so much more important.

      Reply
      • Erica

        I just messaged u from my th page

        Reply
    • Michelle

      Jennifer can you help with this please

      Reply
      • jenniferlauragilmour

        Hi. I’m at home now so I will look at all the comments and see if I can help. X

        Reply
  4. Sharon

    That was hard to read, but what an amazing lady xx

    Reply
    • Michelle

      I’m sorry it was a hard read Sharon. I am safe now and a lot happier. Thank you very much for your kind words

      Reply
  5. Erica

    My fb initials are JMP

    Reply
  6. Mai

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an amazingly strong lady and deserve every happiness. xx

    Reply
    • Michelle

      Thank you so much for your comments. I wish you happiness as well

      Reply
  7. Tina Royles

    Dear Michelle, thank you for copying me in on your twitter post, and alerting me to your situation. If you go onto my web page http://www.tinaroyles.com and http://www.royles.org you will see my experience i.e a former police officer who specialises in do
    Domestic violence, who was also a specialised raped and serious sexual offence trained officer. I am considered an expert in dv, and I am a qualified psychotherapist. I also have an investigation, case-building and emotional support business which reviews and builds cases for private prosecutions so there clearly are lots of ways I could help. Either contact me yourself or get your solicitor to contact me and let’s see if we can change things together. Tina

    Reply

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