*** Trigger Warning ***
Before you start reading- this post contains sexual abuse, ritual abuse and physical abuse.
Hi. My name is Michelle.
I am a 39 year old woman who has been abuse free for just 10 years of my life. My ritual abuse started at around the age of 4. I remember my mother had gone into hospital to give birth to my brother. I was 3 years and 10 months to be exact. I was hiding behind my brothers cot and so I already had something to be fearful of. I was right to be fearful because my dad found me and that day was my first memorable rape. Still I have to ask myself why I was already scared. My brother came home but there was no celebrations. My first memory of him was him being slapped by my mum. As the years went by I continued to be raped and sexually abused by my mother, father and their so called friends in a ritual setting. My brother was also abused. I can not count how many abusers there was or how many times I was hurt. In my teens I had a baby that was conceived through abuse and died through abuse. Now as a adult I look back and think my only opportunity to be a mum was took away when I was just 15. Realistically I know I won’t have children now and this is a great void in my life. I managed to leave home at 18 fleeing into a homeless hostel. This then lead me to being housed by my local council. Freedom at last or so I thought. My abusers found me time and time again. I tried to prosecute them but I was told I wasn’t a strong enough witness due to my mental health. My mental health issues are a direct result of my abuse. So I moved again and again but was always traced and when I was traced I was again abused. I finally decided at 29 to move around 300 miles away from my abusers. I changed my name, my national insurance number and eventually my NHS number. I am on the anonymous voters register to protect my identity and location. I am yet to be traced and so I have had 10 years abuse free. Just a 1/4 of my current life free from abuse. These abusers should of been the very people who protected me. Instead they abused me in every way and the impact is long standing.
As a result of my abuse I am now diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, insomnia and depression. Physically I am completely deaf in my right ear due to my abuse. I have required surgery on my back and I now have spinal stenosis. I suffer with chronic migraines due to the stress of managing my mental health. I have been involved with the CMHT since I was 18. I was discharged in 2017 20 years after being took on. I have never been offered the therapy I was deemed in need of. This was long term psychodynamic psychotherapy on a twice a week bases. This was to help me heal from over 25 years of ritual abuse and help me manage my dissociation. What I was offered was short term cognitive analytical therapy that basically ripped plasters off and left me in a mess. At the same time as my therapy ended I lost my care manager and had my social support cut. Laughably I was deemed as stable. I was at breaking point and a person who has known me for 10 years said she had never see things so chaotic. Still I don’t take nothing lying down. I raised complaint after complaint and eventually said I was going to seek legal advice. I was told not to make threats. I’ll tell you something for nothing, I don’t make threats it was a promise. I have a solicitor who is trying to get me the help and support I need but more importantly what I and other survivors deserve. I will not give up or give in until I have exhausted every avenue. I wasn’t born to be a quitter and I’m glad that drives people mad.
Going forward. Well I hit 40 this year so a milestone for me. I made it. After all my overdoses etc I shouldn’t still be here but I am. To mark the occasions I’m setting myself another challenge. I have always gained satisfaction by raising money for charities that support survivors. I have raised over £10k over the years for various charities incl Devon rape crises, Survivors U.K., Mind and SEEDs. In June I will be climbing Snowdon a day after my 40th and raising money for Devon rape crises. This is part of a bigger walking challenge where I want to walk 400 miles. 100 miles for each decade. I’ll be walking the cerigedion coast path, a chunk of the Pembrokeshire coast path and more of the southwest coast path. And I know I will do it. If anyone wants to sponsor me the link is here Virgin Money Giving
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