I have a video that I have on my computer and I don’t know why I have kept it but my ex is filming me on Christmas Day. My ex asks me as I come in from the kitchen to smile, I sit down and smile and I wait expecting him to take the picture but he doesn’t, I ask him if he has take the photo and he laughs. I ask him if he is recording me and he continues to laugh. I become self conscious, remembering how he has made me feel this way, I ask him to stop recording and he doesn’t. I say ‘please, you know I don’t like it and I have asked you to stop’, he makes a cocky gesture and goes ‘oooooooOOOH’ and continues to laugh. In the end I walk out. It may not seem harmful when watching it but it actually glimmers in on the world I lived in. What he was like, going against my request to stop, making me feel insecure and like I was been watched.
Christmas for me used to be walking on egg shells, trying to prevent a blow out to whatever cost it would be. It wouldn’t matter what I would do because it would still surface and I would yearn to be back with my own family who were getting on with their day miles away.
Christmas now can be difficult with memories at times but it is also a time for me to reflect again and to be thankful that I have a different life now, that I made it through! People can make it through the other end.
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