A few months ago I decided it needed to be done, I needed to get rid of the last slices of bad memories. I had a few items of clothing hanging up in my wardrobe and a casual dress I would wear every summer to lounge around in. I was actually quite fond of the clothes but I couldn’t keep them any longer because of what I carried around with me when I wore them.
I was sad to throw away the dress but not the items collecting dust in the wardrobe. When I say throw away I mean I took them to a clothes bank, although I did wonder for a moment if I should just put them in the bin because of the negativity I feel lives in them. The only reason I had kept a hold of them was because when the toxic relationship had come to an end I was in I was left financially ruined and with only a few bags to call my own; I had no money to invest in the clean slate that I truly wanted. Its taken years to finally wash the slate clean and it really has brought me karma even if it was just that these particular items of clothing are no longer in my home.
Every time I put this nice lounge about dress on it brought that feeling of,,, I wore this when I was with him and it followed onto the dark memories all surrounding my appearance; “that top is too low” “you have more roll backs then asda” “are you trying to look like a prossy” and it goes on. Those years I began to hate the reflection in the mirror and I put on weight, I could never loose it like he pressured me to. Why would I want reminding of this? Why didn’t I let go sooner? It had taken years to slowly change my wardrobe but I didn’t throw out these until now. I can’t say why and I didn’t intend on it but I do know that I should have done this sooner. You can never completely have a clean slate but I have cleaned it the best I can.
I’ve taken away most of those triggers and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I wonder how many others have gone through this, have felt those reminders, have held onto them and for what reasons. I do know that whatever gives you a healthier mindset to pursue it if it helps. I have spent the last several years rebuilding my life and I guess some may call this rehabilitation.
I don’t need to visit Isolation Junction again but the truth is you still can and in ways that I wouldn’t have thought, through nightmares, flashbacks, triggers in everyday life. They will reduce in time but its finding ways to help reduce them, help them fade away as much as they can.
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