This isn’t an easy post for me to write but I need to get it out in the open.
For years I have struggled with a balance with my weight and for years I have Yo Yo dieted, I am sure like many others out there. I wanted to share why this happens with me and the deeper routed trauma I have to overcome.
Whilst I was in my abusive relationship, my weight was an issue, it wasn’t a problem for me but it was for him. Before meeting him I was fairly happy with my weight and my body image in general but all that was going to change. The harsh part for me is that I was actually a lot slimmer back then compared to me now.
At first, it was subtle hints;
Are you sure you want that chocolate?
Aren’t you full?
You are going to need to work that off
But it changed to be more obvious and I started to cover myself up. I would wear clothes that were too big for me, I wouldn’t let him see me naked and would always wear an oversized shirt when having sex. The subtle remarks had clearly started to tackle my subconscious and that’s just how he worked me over the years, it didn’t appear obvious and it made it look like it was my choice.
As time went on it became more obvious and I got more and more stressed until one day he said whilst laughing;
You’ve got more rollbacks then Asda
It was already coming to the end of the relationship by the time the obvious comments and statements were coming in. One day he had gone shopping and said to me when he came back with a bag of clothes;
I asked the lady in the shop which tops would cover up your tummy the most because I know you’re selfconscious about it.
I was shocked about this in particular and remember feeling ashamed of myself. I had two young children and had been diagnosed with a brain adenoma in my pituitary gland, the last thing I was thinking was looking after my weight, I just wanted to feel better as I had intense migraines and would vomit in the mornings. But I couldn’t let it shift my mind and the more the comments came in the more I didn’t like the way I looked.
I bought myself an exercise bike and I would be on there for a minimum of an hour, I remember some times being on there for three hours in front of the TV. I felt I had something to prove and had a strange determination. Over the last weeks of the relationship and coming out, I lost 3 stone in 2 months. Looking back I do look good but I know why I was there and it wasn’t for healthy reasons.
December 2013
So, lets fast forward to this year.
My goal for this year was to overcome my abuser’s voice every time I walk into Asda. All I think about is that statement which is humorous in some ways and emotionally straining for me in other ways, I try and laugh it off but the reality is that it has had a long term effect on me. It is a part of the trauma of that relationship, I could avoid it and go to another supermarket chain but Asda happens to be on my doorstep. Avoiding it will only make it worse and so I overcome it each time I walk through the doors. But to truly overcome it, I need to do something about it.
The Recovery Toolkit has given me the tools to be able to overcome the trauma of that relationship and I have spent 6 years working through different triggers and silencing the abusers voice. I believe it would have been too much to do everything in one go.
To be able to overcome this, I need to be happy in myself and a weight I am confident with. I am four stones away from the photo taken in December 2013, but this isn’t my goal. Lockdown hasn’t made it easier as I put on a whole stone and a half, ouch, lockdown wasn’t easy for me and you can read some of my thoughts on this on my blog ‘The unsettling familiarity of social distancing’. That doesn’t mean I can’t reach the goal or get a good start to it now, I haven’t failed.
Start Goal: Lose 3 stone 7 lbs.
I started on the 27th July by cutting out takeaways, snacking and as much sugar as I could manage. I chose to start that week because that’s when the gyms reopened.
I have lost 3 1/2 lbs already and I haven’t done my weigh-in this week yet.
I am sharing some of my progress on my Instagram over the coming weeks, do follow along if you want to join me on the journey. Telling you here means that I am taking this seriously and that I want to overcome this part of my trauma. It’s not just losing weight for me but getting my mindset right so that I don’t fall back into piling it all on after I have lost it, this is a long term change I am making.
There will be before and after pictures when I get there- Wish me luck!
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