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A post popped up in my street team just the other day and boy was it a trigger! Every time I see anything to do with Batman’s the Joker I can remember the humiliation and the cruel things he used to say to me.

Wonder why I always hide my mouth when I smile? Why I try not to show my teeth? I wonder if those around me had ever noticed before?

I don’t even really want to write it here because of fear of others using it and seeing it as a weakness, the truth is it doesn’t hurt me it just causes me to remember what my ex abuser used to do with cruel laughing and pointing at me.

I bet your thinking- cut to the chase! Say it! Tell us what he said! But I’m sure your reaction will be what! Why do you think on it anymore? You know it’s not true! You are beautiful! Or perhaps your thinking he’s right, that’s my true fear and drawing attention to it here could only make it worse.

BUT I’m going to tell you because I know that someone out there will relate to this. The comment he used was something I shake my head at now, I don’t know why he fixated on it. Perhaps he destined for me never to smile again.

Ok… here goes! Every time I smile I have this BEAMING smile. It takes over my mouth and in my head it makes others smile. To him he used to laugh, point and almost used to wee himself because I smiled. He even asked me to stop smiling. He said at each edge of my mouth it was like I was cut to make my smile wider like the Joker. For years it was something he would come back to over and over again, he laughed so much his eyes would water. Can you imagine how I felt?

Photo from Huff Post- 5 stories you’ve never heard before about Health Ledger as the joker

So here is a photo of me with my husband, the man who tells me I am truly beautiful and to smile more. He’s stuck the plasters on my emotional wounds, helped me to regain my confidence. It’s in confidence I post this. Because if you are being humiliated like this it isn’t normal, if you tell someone it’s hurtful and it makes you not want to smile (or refrain from whatever it is) then it is cruel and its a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Why would the person who says they love you want to upset you like this?

It haunts me now and I’m sure if he read this he would be happy with himself. BUT I feel I have my smile back, I’m happy and I will show my pearly white teeth so people can smile with me.

A smile I’m not going to hide. So if you see me tell me to smile, I’ll smile with you! You can’t hide happiness or recovery.

I feel like my smile says many things but most of all it reveals how far I have come and that I allow myself to be happy again.

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